purewhiteasian

A bad person is someone who does bad things, right?  Or maybe a bad person is someone who knowingly knows something is bad, and still does it.  Or maybe it is someone who does things for themselves without fully realizing what it would do to others.  Or someone who always does things for their own motives, no matter if the end result is good or bad for others. 

I don't believe i'm a bad person.  I always have a motive.  There's always a purpose with every move I make and every word that comes out of my mouth.  Unlike criminals and other people that are considered "bad", the acts I make don't usually hurt others.  But everything I do is for the benefit of me, even if it doesn't cause harm.  It's very black and white in my world.  I do this, therefore this happens.  Back in elementary school, I give you this cookie, you become my friend.  Back in middle school and high school, I help you with homework, I get to be known as "the intelligent" one.  Sometimes, even in my darker moments, I think "I am better than you at this".  I always want to get better, but by doing so, I gauge my ability through other people.

That's the real topic I wanted to talk about.  These darker moments where you can't even control your mind.  A lot of people are "nice" in the outside, but you never know what they really think because sometimes what you think even surprises you.  Let's use the "I am better than you at this" example".  I know it's wrong to think of that, and you know that if you said that out loud, you would be marked as a "bad" person.  But your mind still thinks of it anyways.  How do you stop your mind from thinking of the darker purposes. 

OK.  Maybe you can change.  There is always room to change from a "bad" guy to a good guy, right?  I mean it is bad, but it isn't like you killed someone.  So you tell yourself you are going to stop yourself from thinking those thoughts.  OK.  How in the world will you accomplish that task?  The more you try to remind yourself not to think about those thoughts, the more you think about it because the instant you remind yourself, you are technically thinking about it.  So am I ultimately just a "bad" guy because I can't control my thoughts?  Just because of the fact that I analyze pretty much everything without really knowing that I am doing it?

The only way I can stop myself from thinking about things is to stop thinking altogether.  It seems the more you think, the more you are in danger of being "bad" because then you become scheming and never really genuine or authentic.  So the best possible strategy for being "good" is to be as dumb as possible.  Or maybe even innocent.  But that usually doesn't last long. 

I'm a horrible person.  The way I look at life.  The way I treat everyone.  The way I think.  The way I live.  It's just horrible.  I bring misery to those around me, even if it's not that much.  But it adds up.  What's your life worth when you can't bring joy to the world?  Hell, I don't even bring joy in my life. 

And I can't even forgive myself for the misery I bring.  How do you forgive yourself for being you?  These are the times when I wish I can cry it all out.  But fuck, I can't even do that, can I? 

These days it's getting harder and harder to wake up.


Stolen by Julie Moffitt ... for some reason, her singing soothes me